Sunday, April 25, 2010

as much as i make believe.

dear friends,

twilight yesterday was not a very pleasant beginning to a night, as adventures of terror and non existence played in my mind. plunging me into a restless world of regret and failure.

dreams of misgivings and sadness fill me with despair. when i finally sunk myself into a deep suspension of consciousness. the commencing filmstrip of misadventures begin with everyone in school, running to their full extent, giving their all, to win the cross country. but, was it the cross country they were fighting to win? no, it was the race to the finish line of school, the abrupt and final end to the HSC to move on with better successful things in life. where was i? in the midst of it all. its one of those dreams where you cant bring your legs to run and you slow down with extreme exhaustion and breathlessness. the hurt on myself, the pain i have to suffer.

i was coming last even though my legs were shrieking in protest for me to stop, i was battling to carry on. but, i couldnt even finish the race while everyone was flying at a speed i would never achieve for the rest of my living days across the finish line.

the next came an audition where all participants were rooted in a line, anticipation at its highest. a scout raided the horizon of people, stopping at each and every eager entrant while a short but fulfilling interview was exchanged. at that very moment in time i was bursting with excitement and willingness as i stood tall for my much anticipated minute of fame. but that moment - my moment - to shine was busted with the slightest pin drop which felt like a bombshell struck me on the top of my head, i felt numb. they simply walked right past, as if i was nonexistent. all those months of preparation and pampering, time and effort to bring me to this point of time - all disregarded, wasted. there was not one slight gesture of consideration or recognition as though there was merely a gap in the line. the sorrow and failure. i was swallowed so hard on that split second of anguish as i clutched at my last remaining strength to not run and throw myself away, sinking in the misery. letting neglect run me over.

after those unfortunate events, i managed to materialise a illusion in which they gave me more time, they extended the time of the audition to another 24 hours waited with such content to finalise the audition videos. however, this slight hope in my dream was heavily distorted as i was snapped back into reality to my misfortunes.

 never, could i measure up.

ever since this year started all ive been hit in the face with is fail: school, extra curricular activities, tests, pretty much everything im going for. im not doing anything right! i feel so frustrated and stupid. ill close my eyes and leap into the deepest holes of my darkest hours. and convince myself that i dont want to see the sun anymore...

And oh, oh, how could you do it? Oh I, I never saw it coming. Oh, oh, I need an ending. So why cant you stay, just long enough to explain.

♥ moini

i really hoped for that...

6:47 PM

the days.